As I am sitting at home in my PJs, missing a quiz in ENG235, I'm wondering, What the HECK are you doing to yourself, Dorothy?
I just about had the worst night ever trying to finish half a novel, followed by a sad realization that I'd never be able to retain
any information at 1am. I decide to call it a night. At quarter to 9, I jolted awake from a terrible nightmare and freak out for several reasons. 1) why the fuck would I dream up such a thing? and 2) I gotta get my shit together and leave the house STAT.
Allow me to set up the scene.
Cue alarm going off at 7am. I look at the time and plan on stealing five more minutes.
Cue nightmare. I'm in my room with this guy who I am attempting pathetically to seduce when all of a sudden I hear someone coming up the stairs. I tell the poor guy to hide in the closet to no avail. He is absolutely stubborn, or maybe he's just stupid, or trying to tell me I'm stupid and he's talking obnoxiously loud and going to town laughing his face off like this whole situation is a riot. Anyway, I'm fed up and just open the door to find my mother. She doesn't even look me in the eye, rather she's staring at the guy behind me. I turn around to find a guy there, except it's not the same guy. It's my boyfriend standing there. Firstly I try to play dumb and ask him why the hell he is in my house. Surprisingly my mother welcomes him with open arms. I stand with my mouth wide open in awe.
In reality, my parents have yet to meet my boyfriend.
After I woke up from that nightmare I just had the shittiest feeling ever. I'll feel better in a bit when I get more off my chest, but you know that feeling, when you wake up and realize you still have so much shit to do before class but you have no time because you gotta go book it to the bus stop? Yeah, I had that, plus a shitload of sadness in my heart and a bad taste in my mouth after that nightmare. I tried to gather all my things really quickly in fifteen minutes so I could leave the house as soon as possible, but then I thought about what I would have to do in ENG235. That dreadful quiz for which I have not finished the novel. A wave of stress washed over me and as I drowned I asked myself, Why do you torture yourself like this?
As it stands, these credits are not going toward transferring to UBC or finishing a diploma at Corpus. I'm merely taking them because as president I need to be on campus, so I might as well be around to learn for my personal enjoyment. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be taking an english class right now but I don't think this novel set in Nigeria is really helping me gain skills for my dream career. I'm sure if I had been taking these classes under different circumstances I wouldn't feel this way, but right now, it almost feels like I'm wasting time and money and effort because at the end of the day, I just want to start a career in event planning. Here I am, Student Association President, trying my best to create a fun, nourishing environment when the situations I put myself in are quite the opposite. I'm trying to be the best student body president Corpus Christi has seen. I'm trying to get more experience in special events at the Rio. I'm trying to be a good, committed girlfriend. I'm trying so SO hard to be a decent human being. Stressing myself out for an unnecessary (imo) class is making all of the above more difficult than they already are.
If I don't get my shit together now, I'll be consciously allowing myself to suffer all semester long. I'm going to have to drop ENG235 so I can work Sunday and Tuesday nights and save up money for AI. I guess that'll be step numero uno.
Regarding the blog title: Upon recovering from six years of depression, I've reflected on why I was always so down on myself and why I never sought help. I constantly let myself be miserable because it was all I knew. It was the one constant element I had in my life, while friends came and went and bouts of happiness teased me with what I thought I could never have. Sometimes I wonder why I still let myself marinate in these situations. Then again, I've always been masochistic.
Maybe I just have a taste for suffering. Whatever the case, I need to end these cravings and change things so I can be satisfied with my life.
